You’ve probably heard of internet dating websites. If you tell me you’ve never heard of one, I’ll tell you to your face that you’re a lousy liar, and to get the hell out of my sight. At one time, I might have thought these sights were serious in helping people find their *gag* soulmate. Yeah! Sure! When the net was young, and I was moron. That would’ve been about the time I believed this. Today, my perspective has changed. It’s a total SCAM! Just perusing these websites over a weekend will tell you that. I’m about put forth a discourse on the anatomy of modern web dating sites and disect and probe the nature of them . . . for public service. Not because I’m a total loser and have no life. 🙂 As an aside, I only viewed the female profiles, so I can only tell you about the quirks of the females posting on these sites.
THE CLICHES – There will be questions not dissimilar from those given to psychiatric patients (i.e. murderers, rapists, people who who like yanni, etc.) to allow others who see their response gauge their mental and psychiatric health. Of course the responses are seldom very original. Nothing like the line I heard on a Monty Python skit on some pay channel tribute one time. [Paraphrasing] “I like [totally standard and boring stuff and then near the end when you’ve been lulled into a sense of safety and the familiar] I also like strangling small animals and masturbating.” THAT was original! Very psychotic, but completely original. On the dating websites what you get is the standard, safe, and boring cliches. How many times can one read the same tired lines stated in every way
imaginable. The following are cases in point. They are all directly quoted from a site I visited.
- Question: “Where is the best place for a date?”
- Respondent 1: “Well to me the best place really just depends on the company you are keeping. If you are really vibing with this certain individual the place is usually secondary.”
- Respondent 2: “If you are who I think you are anywhere you take me will be fine.”
- Respondent 3: “Any place will be fun as long as the date is with someone that was really fun and doing something totally spontaneous & nothing planned.”
The above was just a small sample taken in less than 10 minutes of postings I randomly selected.
WHAT’S IN A NAME? – Dating sites in order to distinguish themselves from other early dating websites allowed one to come up with one’s own logon name. There are dating sites that treat like you’re another piece of meat to be bought, sold, and labeled however the hell they feel. Unoriginal and thoroughly predictable labels like UR5HIT455. But wait! You spot a site with *gasp* user names that you can make up yourself. With a caveat. You can’t use a name already taken. Of course the name you want is already used – damn squatters! So you say to yourself, “Screw it. I’m going to use that name, BUT with a variation.” Hence, the existence of stupid-ass-cliche names comes about and apparently propagates by osmosis through the same radio waves that aliens are using to read our minds. Examples include variations of the following nouns/adjectives: girl (gurl, grl, grrl, grrrl), cute (cutie, cutey, cuty), [various tastes] (sweet, sweety, sweetey, spice, spicey, spicy), [personality] (smartandsassy, smartnsassy, smartandsassie), [physical descriptions] (prettywoman, eyecandy), angel (angl, and I kid you not – angle). EYAAAAAH! Just listing them makes me want to end it all. People! This is herd mentality! In the name of all that is holy and sacred, do not do this. First, it’s grates on my nerves. Second, it’s a pitiful sight for the rest of the world regarding the American educational system. Third, it shows a lack of imagination on your part except in regards to coming up with more spelling combinations of a word than is thought possible. Fourth, I believe that some of you posting on these dating websites are moonlighting for the spammers out there attempting to get past my spam filters. You succeeded. For now. Who else but you can come up with something like “PEN|S e N | a R G E M|NT.” Don’t deny it! I know it was you.
Anyway. To the point. In the beginning, I did check the sites out and posted on them out of vanity and insecurity. That and to check out all the hotties on the website. “Will I have to beat them off with a stick? Am I interesting enough to attract women?” Then after spending about a month looking through these sites, I can see these same trait in others. So here I am on a site with a shitload of other equally vain and insecure people. Oh, well. Let’s “sweetn” it up and make it a little “spiecy.” So it was that I came up with my current pasttime. I try to make myself as psychotic and unattractive as I can possibly can without going over the line as a joke. I’ve also noticed others doing this recently. Very few though. Here’s one from a posting I just looked up.
- “I no longer smoke crack and worship Satan. I’ve been more interested in duct tape and staple guns. J/K.”
It brings tears to my eyes and fills me with righteous joy to see someone starting to take these things less seriously. Hey, I know you’re rolling your eyes at me. I already know I have no life. No need to hammer the point home – into my skull.